The End.
It’s been a bit more than 3 months since the break up.
This break up has been the most horrible break up ever for me.
Lot’s of inner struggles and heart ache. How do you turn off that ‘love’ button?
Still haven’t found that switch but I guess I can’t stop loving him. Even though we’re apart and it feels like I was never a part of his life, I still have that undeniable love for him.
A few weeks back just after his birthday he visited me and I gave him his birthday gift. I really wasn’t in the mood for him and I was just being awkward and silent. But eventually being awkward turned into talking. Talking turned into cuddling, cuddling turned into kissing which led us to sex.. and then back to being awkward. I felt so weird the day after but it also felt like a closure. I haven’t spoken to him ever since and I know that it’s for the better. I’m done with the drama.
I don’t need him in my life anymore. He doesn’t deserve to be in mine. It’s his loss, not mine. I feel pretty okay but during the holidays I felt kind of sad and lonely, he was the missing key. Even right now on this new years eve it feels so strange. But time really heals. I just need more time, I just wished it went a little bit faster. We had a great time together and I would have moved countries back then to be with him but I guess it just wasn’t in the stars for us. We’re just nothing anymore except for a vague memory from the past.
So I guess this is a goodbye to this blog.
It really helped me feeling better at times when I was really down.
When you’re feeling sad; keep on writing, it really helps.
Right now I’m happy that I can start a new chapter in 2012. I’m curious to see what will happen in the new year.. and maybe I’ll write something again in a few months.
For now I want to say thanks to all of you who kept on reading, and I salute you.
Stay positive, let 2012 be a good year for all of us.
Fin.
I finally took our photos from my wall
Seriously, why would I try to keep you in my life when I’m obviously not a part of yours anymore?
Day 63 - Two months
Two months passed.
I am doing pretty okay. The whole break up thing still hurts and I don’t think that the pain will leave any time soon.. it’s really a sloooow process. I also do think about him every day. Most of the time everything is fine but sometimes I get pulled in that well of sadness. But I don’t allow myself too often.
I just want to get over it. Also I don’t have that urge to be “friends” anymore. I already knew and told him long ago that the friendship thing won’t work. I’m not even trying and he isn’t either. Words like “you’re still special to me” are just some meaningless shitty words and you shouldn’t believe in it. It’s just a “nice” way of saying that you’re not special enough to stay in that person’s life anymore.
Oh and it’s almost his birthday and I already bought him a cool gift a long time ago. Not planning on congratulating him. I’ll just send the gift to his house one day. Not that he deserves the gift but I picked it out for him so I want him to have it and I know it will make him happy.
I really find this whole thing so difficult. It’s honestly the most painful and confusing thing that has ever happened in my life so far. The only thing that I have to do is move on.
Day 48 - Everything is so cold
I guess it’s the weather but I can’t seem to shake the feeling of missing him. I’m doing so well. Everything is finally going great with uni, I have awesome friends and family. I do cool things and I there are many great things coming my way. But that burning feeling of missing him keeps on appearing lately. Few days ago I woke up in the middle of the night and I felt so emotional out of a sudden. I felt so alone and cold.
Maybe it’s the weather. The days are so grey and dark. It’s getting colder and I’m not made for cold weather. This winter will be so cold and lonely without him. A year ago we just got back from a great midweek to Berlin. It was freezing but so warm together.
How can you shake off those depressing feelings?
I was doing so great but suddenly those feelings are silently coming back in.
Wish it was already summer again so I can just run and enjoy the Asian warmth.
